Pixie dust...

Well, here we are well into June. I can now say I go home next month and a huge part of me is so glad. I've missed my family and friends so much. I didn't expect it to be this hard. I've been travelling since I was nineteen so I thought it wouldn't affect me. However, a year is a very long time and little Isobel is a big reason to want to hurry back. I've been gone for a third of her life. She will have grown so much in the time I've been away and I missed it. I have actual nightmares where I wake up in a cold sweat because I've been dreaming that I saw her in the airport and I didn't know her. Or worse, she didn't know me.

Things have been up and down here. I'm in my final two months so things will move quickly from here on out but I've got alot to look forward to. Firstly, I'm going on a cruise! No, not to work, like I'm going to take THAT bullet again? Please! No, I'm going as a guest. It's Kevin's birthday in a few days and we've had the time booked off for a while so we decided, "why not take a cruise?" I've never done it as a guest before. Part of me is excited but another part of me thinks that I'll step back on that ship and think "yikes, I've got to go to work!" I wonder if they'll be anyone on there that remembers me? I've been in touch with a few people but most of them have finished and the one guy I could rely on to still be there is on vacay! Annoying!

Once I get back from the cruise, I only have about a week before graduation. Vikki and I got our invites this morning. I've never graduated anything before. Being British, we don't really go in for graduations except at University. Even at college I ended up crash finishing so I could go travelling. I'm looking forward to everyone getting together to say, "we did it!"

Once graduation's done, it'll be Independance Day, then my last couple of weeks. I plan to work quite a few shifts so I can make a bit of cash for home. Then it'll be all the nitty gritty bits, like returning my costume, giving in my ID, packing, our throwout....Once I leave the Commons, I've got a few days staying on International Drive. I plan to chill out and get my head together. Really enjoy my last few days here in Florida. Then I go home and I get to see my mum and my sister and my little niece and my brother. Beyond that, I haven't really thought about things.

When I said things are up and down here, the down side is David went home yesterday. He wasn't due to leave until two weeks after me but he'd had enough so he self termed. I really miss him. I saw him off yesterday; helped take his cases to the taxi and watched it take him away and I felt really bummed out. It made me question why I'm here. What am I staying for?

I was not my normal self at work. Everyone knew it and I got alot of hugs. During the preshift meeting, I tried to stay invisable. To my horror, our manager Alicia decided to do a morale boosting exercise. She made everyone say why they applied for Disney and why they stay working here. I was mortified because not two hours before I'd been sobbingly asking myself those questions! I tried to hide but she saw me and asked. I told her I wasn't feeling very "Disney" right then and could she maybe ask someone else? She said everyone had to do it and again I asked if she could just make something up and take that because she would not like the answer. Nope, she pushed so I came out with "I came here because I wanted to and I stay because I only have 45 days left to suffer through before you let me go home!" To anyone who knows me, that is a very unusual attitude for me to have but I was NOT in the mood. I felt like Disney was making me jump through hoops and it was the only answer I was capable of giving right then. Alicia told me she was disappointed in my answer but at the time I didn't care. I'd warned her not to push.

Later that day, Alicia came down and asked me to come to her office. I had to do the "walk of shame" through the kitchen and all the way upstairs to her office. To be fair, Alicia was really nice and asked me what was wrong. I explained it was just a bad day and I was sorry if I ruined her little morale booster but I had warned her not to ask me. Everyone has off days, even me. It surprises alot of people because I'm normally relentlessly cheerful but I am human as well. No one can be happy all of the time. It was just a very poorly timed question. Besides, you can't ask a question and then complain if you don't like the answer. If you don't want to know, don't ask!

Today was alot better. I felt better in myself and the black cloud that hovered over my head yesterday seemed to have dispersed. I did magic for my tables and chatted and enjoyed my work. Alicia told me I'd "found my pixie dust again".

So, that's where I am now. I've rediscovered my pixie dust and I can fly again, albeit a little wobbly on the take off. I feel alot more positive and Cynical Tori has taken a vacation for a bit and hopefully won't come back for a while. It's not that this job is any worse than others I've done. In fact, most of the time I enjoy it but occasionally I get down about things. Being so far away from home doesn't help either. Still, I intend to enjoy my last couple of months because I'll be home soon and I bet I'll be wishing I was back here! Human nature, huh?

So, until next time....I'm off. You'll find me flying past the second star to the right and straight on 'til morning!